I remember thinking, "How do you know if she is THE ONE?"
So many decisions we make are connected to the battle in our brain and/or our bodies over what we know and what we feel. Is it simply KNOWING she is the one or is it FEELING that she is the one?
Or is the success or failure of a marriage based on believing that no matter how bad it gets, no matter what my spouse does, I commit to "till death do us part?" What if you were asked before you got married to write down a list of things that would be the last straw? The thing that opens the secret passage way out of the hell you are living through in your marriage? What would you write down? I've never asked a couple in pre-marital counseling to do this, but I probably should. If we were honest, what would we put on our list?
With her permission, I tell this true story- A good friend of mine had an affair. After years of marriage, she looked somewhere beside her husband for fulfillment. She told her husband what was going on, expecting he would send her way. He didn't. By God's grace, they are still together today.
I want that kind of marriage. Sound crazy? I do not want to have to experience everything they have had to go through. But I want the strength to forgive; the resolve to persevere when everything in me wants to run away.
Will I stay or will I go? I haven't had to face that question...yet. Hope I won't ever have to. I know what I think I would answer, but I also know that like so many things in life, you don't know until you face it for real.
I thank God and I thank Sal for 21 amazing years of marriage. I know I will have to battle as hard or harder over the remainder of my life to protect this relationship. I am thankful to the men who have supported me and kept me accountable as I battle my addiction to porn. God has used them to protect me from so many terrible choices and consequences.
I love you, Sally Glanzer. You are THE ONE.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Monday, July 23, 2012
FriendshiP
Two years ago today I was sitting in the Dominican Republic. It was the end of my saBRADical. I had just spent two amazing weeks showing Cassidy my "homeland". As I finally got to a computer and checked Facebook, I found out Josh Murdock had been killed that morning in a float plane accident in Alaska.
Josh was one of the best friends a guy could ask for. Sally and I had gotten to know Josh and Lorna while serving as missionaries in Ketchikan. They had a little girl and boy about Cassidy and Carson's age. In some ways, we have never really spent enough time with them to love them as much as we do. During two winters we lived away from camp. Six months each time.
As I talked to Lorna today, I was hearing from a woman (and a family) talking about depending on Jesus to make it through each day. Although we've been to his grave and mourned with the family, it is sometimes still surreal to grasp that Josh is gone. He was an amazing man. Not perfect. But amazing.
Seems like I've been thinking a lot about friendship these days. Went last week to my 25th class reunion in Hillsboro. Great to see people for the first time, in some cases, since graduation. Sometimes I don't like going to the class reunions. I remember how much of a smart-alec I was. I'm sure they do too.
It's funny how relationships change. Remember going from Junior High to High School and how some of the people you always hung out with, you didn't hang out with anymore? Maybe I cling too much to the past, but I hate friendships changing. They are a lot of work. People move. Ideals change. I tend to hold on to the hope that the time and energy we have invested will stand the test of life.
That's probably why I've been greatly encouraged by connecting with a close high school friend again. Though living only a few miles apart, we have not done much together over the past 10 years. But he and I have been grabbing lunch lately. We've been talking about where life is taking us, where we want to get to, and how we are going to get there. I like that. It makes my heart smile again.
Josh was one of the best friends a guy could ask for. Sally and I had gotten to know Josh and Lorna while serving as missionaries in Ketchikan. They had a little girl and boy about Cassidy and Carson's age. In some ways, we have never really spent enough time with them to love them as much as we do. During two winters we lived away from camp. Six months each time.
As I talked to Lorna today, I was hearing from a woman (and a family) talking about depending on Jesus to make it through each day. Although we've been to his grave and mourned with the family, it is sometimes still surreal to grasp that Josh is gone. He was an amazing man. Not perfect. But amazing.
Seems like I've been thinking a lot about friendship these days. Went last week to my 25th class reunion in Hillsboro. Great to see people for the first time, in some cases, since graduation. Sometimes I don't like going to the class reunions. I remember how much of a smart-alec I was. I'm sure they do too.
It's funny how relationships change. Remember going from Junior High to High School and how some of the people you always hung out with, you didn't hang out with anymore? Maybe I cling too much to the past, but I hate friendships changing. They are a lot of work. People move. Ideals change. I tend to hold on to the hope that the time and energy we have invested will stand the test of life.
That's probably why I've been greatly encouraged by connecting with a close high school friend again. Though living only a few miles apart, we have not done much together over the past 10 years. But he and I have been grabbing lunch lately. We've been talking about where life is taking us, where we want to get to, and how we are going to get there. I like that. It makes my heart smile again.
Monday, July 9, 2012
AwaY
Been a pretty amazing week. After church on July 1st, we jumped in the car and drove to Huron, SD to be with Sal's family. What an amazing drive! Especially the last hour in Nebraska. Beautiful row after row after row of corn over rolling hills as far as the eye can see. Love it.
Carson spent 2 1/2 weeks up in SD with his grandparents, uncle, aunt and cousins. He had a blast. It's so cool to see him growing up and becoming a young man. Sal put his time there in good perspective: Carson being away allowed him to learn things and be taught be people he couldn't learn being with us. One of those things was wakeboarding. I think they went out about every night.
And Cassidy spent one evening taking her Senior pictures with Uncle Tom and Aunt Steph. They do an amazing job. Someone once told me to enjoy each stage your children go though. Very good advice. I am enjoying the indpendence Cassidy is developing.
Speaking of which, this Sunday, July 8, Cassidy flew to Seattle to spend a week with my brother and sister-in-law and their two kids. First time for her to fly by herself. Alaska Airlines flies direct from KC to Seattle. Used a few of my credit card airline miles to get her up there.
A special treat this week has been to eat sweetcorn from Gaeddert Farms. That stuff is declicious. Tomorrow night we will be grilling Buhler sausage (best on the planet) and eating sweetcorn. Can't wait.
Carson spent 2 1/2 weeks up in SD with his grandparents, uncle, aunt and cousins. He had a blast. It's so cool to see him growing up and becoming a young man. Sal put his time there in good perspective: Carson being away allowed him to learn things and be taught be people he couldn't learn being with us. One of those things was wakeboarding. I think they went out about every night.
And Cassidy spent one evening taking her Senior pictures with Uncle Tom and Aunt Steph. They do an amazing job. Someone once told me to enjoy each stage your children go though. Very good advice. I am enjoying the indpendence Cassidy is developing.
Speaking of which, this Sunday, July 8, Cassidy flew to Seattle to spend a week with my brother and sister-in-law and their two kids. First time for her to fly by herself. Alaska Airlines flies direct from KC to Seattle. Used a few of my credit card airline miles to get her up there.
A special treat this week has been to eat sweetcorn from Gaeddert Farms. That stuff is declicious. Tomorrow night we will be grilling Buhler sausage (best on the planet) and eating sweetcorn. Can't wait.
Monday, July 2, 2012
BeginningS
What is a BLOG? The answer I connect most with is, "A journal on the web."
Two years ago when I had a sabbatical from my position as Youth Pastor at Hesston MB Church, I decided to blog. Not indefinitely, mind you. Just over the 3 months I would be away from my position and my "family" at the church. Decided it was a good way to be responsible for the time I was being given away from my responsibilities without talking to everyone in the church throughout.
I called it "saBRADical" since I was literally in the middle of it. We all tend to see the world from our own point of view. I believe the challenge of life is not to be consumed with that view or the view that other's take for that matter.
Today I begin a second blog. We'll see where it goes and how long it "prospers". There are a variety of reasons, but I won't bore you with them.
I went with the title "Breaking Brad" because my guilty pleasure in life right now is the TV show on AMC called "Breaking Bad". The main character is a 50 year old man named Walter White. Walter is going through mid-life trying to figure out who he is and where he is going. Life hasn't turned out as he thought it would. Walter takes to making meth to provide for his medical expenses and his family. Then the "fun" begins.
No, this isn't a cry for help because I'm making drugs on the side. I do connect with the struggle to do right when I want so bad to do wrong, wanting to provide for all that my family needs (and wants), and learning to stand up for myself when a good portion of my life I let people walk on me.
And Walter shaved his head. I like that. Just wish I could grow facial hair.
Two years ago when I had a sabbatical from my position as Youth Pastor at Hesston MB Church, I decided to blog. Not indefinitely, mind you. Just over the 3 months I would be away from my position and my "family" at the church. Decided it was a good way to be responsible for the time I was being given away from my responsibilities without talking to everyone in the church throughout.
I called it "saBRADical" since I was literally in the middle of it. We all tend to see the world from our own point of view. I believe the challenge of life is not to be consumed with that view or the view that other's take for that matter.
Today I begin a second blog. We'll see where it goes and how long it "prospers". There are a variety of reasons, but I won't bore you with them.
I went with the title "Breaking Brad" because my guilty pleasure in life right now is the TV show on AMC called "Breaking Bad". The main character is a 50 year old man named Walter White. Walter is going through mid-life trying to figure out who he is and where he is going. Life hasn't turned out as he thought it would. Walter takes to making meth to provide for his medical expenses and his family. Then the "fun" begins.
No, this isn't a cry for help because I'm making drugs on the side. I do connect with the struggle to do right when I want so bad to do wrong, wanting to provide for all that my family needs (and wants), and learning to stand up for myself when a good portion of my life I let people walk on me.
And Walter shaved his head. I like that. Just wish I could grow facial hair.
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